Tickets to see the Pope at Central Park in September will be given out via a lottery.
The Catholics are deeply offended because they believe that people should show some evidence of good works before being entered into the lottery.
Evangelicals who want to meet the Pope are ecstatic because the lottery aligns with their other beliefs — once you have been entered into the lottery, it is by the grace of God alone that you are picked.
The Anabaptists think that all non-Anabaptists should be swiftly and violently cast out of New York City and not allowed to enter the lottery. Also, those who entered the lottery did so wrongly and should be re-entered, except for infants, because that’s an abomination.
The Mennonites don’t agree with this position and just want everybody to know that they aren’t the same thing as the Amish, so stop asking.
The Southern Baptists want to hold a convention first to decide if the lottery is fair or not.
The Lutherans think we should look to the Bible for answers about the fairness of the lottery, because it is the final say on all matters.
The Branch Davidians, meanwhile, think the answer to the fairness has something to do with the Seven Seals, but the FBI doesn’t seem too keen on that position for some reason.
The Calvinists think that the results have been pre-determined anyways, and you are burning in hell, so what does it matter?
The Seventh Day Adventists are wondering why he’s coming on Friday, and not Saturday.
The Jehovah’s Witnesses think attendance should be capped at 144,000 and plan on setting up booths at the event.